The thought occurred to me today, not necessarily for the first time, but it definitely made more of an impression on me today. As a kid I was... normal, if not on the more quiet/less emoting side. I had fun with friends and stuff, but around most people I was quiet and monotone when I spoke. For a very long time teachers told me and my parents that I needed to practice having variation in my voice XD I was always more of a writer and a listener than a talker. Not that I was necessarily and introvert, but I remember, when I was younger, being that person that could never quite get their opinion in, or would get talked over or something. So, I became more quiet, but made sure that others got a chance to talk. I didn't mind, I'm not one for attention anyway. But, basically, until around 2010, I was pretty... normal/boring on the outside until you got to know me. But then my life slowly began to change when I got into Kpop! I didn't realize it at first, but listening to Kpop and watching girls act all cutesy and then watching Korean and Japanese dramas where guys always like the cute girls, I just started to develop a more cute personality. That coupled with the fact that when I got to college I decided that in order to make friends I had to talk to people and other people like people who are more exciting. At least, that's what it seems like XD Also, I had to start teaching for martial arts. And when you have to teach kids and other adults it sorta forces you to come out of your shell, or at least develop a new one. Also, I'd say that there was this one point in my life, still in high school, that I realized I wasn't a very nice person, not the most Christ-like I could be and that I wanted to be better and be nicer and more outgoing and more joyous and happy on the outside. So yeah, all of those things! But I bring up the Kpop bit because its my particular style of cuteness that comes from Kpop and Korean Dramas. I like to make faces, both silly and cute and scary and gross XD And I don't care who sees. I kinda talk to myself out loud, like people do in Korean dramas (I sometimes wonder if people think I'm weird, cause thats not something most sane people do in America, but I literally do it ALL THE TIME!) I'll make exaggerated facial expressions in reaction to things and situations and stuff. When I talk to new people, depending on who it is, my default is more of a cute/hyper-engaged state. I'm definitely no longer monotone, I change my voice a lot. I go up and down in tone and use different accents and stuff. I go all over the place XD I think its fun.
Anyway, the reason it occurred to me today was because this one kid in my welding class was all "you're too extra" or something like that, and I was slightly surprised, for like a milisecond before I was like "eh, whatevs" XD And then I said something like "I know I'm crazy, but life's more fun that way." And the kid I was talking to is good, he gets it, I'm not offended and I don't think he actually cares, but I can see the way the other dudes in my class (i'm one of three girls in class of like 25, so there are a lot more guys) look at me when I'm being "extra" or "cutesy" to a point and they have this look thats like "this girl is a little weird, but she seems normal enough at the same time, so I'll talk to her". And frankly, I don't much care what others think of me, because when I am in my exagerated fun mode, I'm legitly having fun. I'm legitly trying to show that I love life and that I've got Jesus with me all da time! Ya know? And if people think its weird, I'm like "whatevs". I figure, if they get to know me enough they'll find out I can be pretty boring too. I can talk normal and caring on an intelligent conversation, but why do that when you can have fun? XD But I'm pretty sure I also just act a different "cute" than most Americans anyway, because I have literally modeled my aegyo after Koreans 0_o And Kpop and Drama aegyo at that. So, unless you get to know me, you'll probably think I'm weird. Granted, there are a lot of weird things I do, trust me, I know I'm weird, but I'm having fun with it and not hiding it :P
So yeah... I think that's about it. Overall... I'd say I'm slightly self conscious, but not enough to actually change. I'm not doing anything wrong by being extra aegyo sometimes, but I think most Americans just don't get it XD Although, I have found that other girls take it better than guys. I don't get the same facial expression from girls as guys. I dunno, maybe its just the inner cuteness in everyone that they see XD I have no idea, but whatevs! I'mma be me! I am fearfully and wonderfully made! Boom! Out! Mic drop! ... Ok, Toodles! ^_^
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