My Worst Flaw... I think XP

      First of all, I am LOVING tangerines right now. I don't really eat tangerines and citrus during the summer, cause its a winter fruit... right? I try to eat things in season, more or less. Plus, in season is cheaper XD

     Second of all, I am loving watching the Lord of the Rings Appendices. I dunno how many people have watched all the special features of the extended editions, but this is my... 3rd time that i actually remember, but I know I've watched it more, maybe not all the way through, many more times. But, since last year I've had the idea to religiously watch LOTR and The Hobbit and all the extras every year, around Christmas :) Some people read certain books every year, I'm gonna delve into Middle Earth XD One of these days... I'm also going to read the books all the way through -_- Cause I've started, but I've not finished any of them. But, in my defense, I've really not read much lately... aka the past few years. Reading just hasn't been as appealing as movies lately. But, I will eventually!!! :D

     Ok, on to the actual post I wanted to talk about. Its about yesterday, and at first I wanted to write about it, in the hope of helping someone or whatever, but then at night, when I didn't have time, I didn't want to. And... Its because I wasn't sure if my one little post, out there on the gigantic internet was gonna make a difference. I look at my stats of my posts, and honestly, I don't get many views... not many at all and so it was like "whats the point? no one is gonna read this anyway" But I decided to because maybe, just maybe it might help one person sometime in the future. Plus, its nice for me to get things out. I know that the whole "whats the point" part, stems from as a kid, when I'd try to contribute to a conversation or something and no one would listen. I was that kid that tried to talk and stuff, but it seemed like no one would listen. So I got really good at just being quiet. Just not talking much unless I was having a one on one conversation, or just a conversation where I knew that what I was saying would be heard... which wasn't always. So, as a kid, I very quiet. I also became that kid, and now adult, that recognizes when others aren't being paid attention to. If someone gets cut off I try to give them time to say what they wanted to say, or if they aren't saying much at all, I try to get them to speak up, cause honestly now, I'm a bit of a talker XD But I still try to only speak when there is a reason. I can still be very quiet.

    ANYWAY! On the what I really wanted to talk about XD And that is, my worst flaw. And that is, worrying about making the right choices. Worrying to the point where I can't make a decision, even when the decision is litterally as simple as what cereal to buy -_- Although I haven't had cereal in a while, but let me show you how my brain works. Since I was raised in a relatively frugal family (not like stingy, but man do we love a good sale XD) I've become almost paranoid about my spending habits, and the spending that I make my family do on my behalf. I don't earn loads of money yet, I just have a part time job that isn't consistent throughout the year, so I worry a lot about spending my money wisely. What I do, when I want to buy something, is I weigh its value per its price. If its food, I look for the cheapest unit per oz price combined with best quality ingredients. Usually, I only buy food if its on sale too. Unless its a staple item that rarely goes on sale anyway, I only buy things on sale. And its because I'm worried that if I spend too much then I won't have enough for something more important or for charity or for an emergency. I've literally stood and paced in the grocery store for an hour and a half before actually deciding to buy anything because I'm worried I'm not getting the best deal or whatever. I literally become paralyzed and it take me a long time to reason with myself that a dollar here and a dollar there aint a big deal. But of course, in my head it is.

   Now, I actually have been pretty good, about worrying to the point of paralysis this year. I actually had forgotten I used to be like that until yesterday. Yesterday I went to the grocery, Whole Foods, to buy my chapstick and of course I looked around the rest of the store too. But, I didn't have any cash with me and I hadn't gotten my latest pay check yet, so I didn't know how much spending money I officially had to work with. That, combined with the fact that earlier I had bought a drink I didn't need, and that I was worried about beating traffic to get home, just got me back into my worry fit again. Actually, some of it also started Saturday when I started shopping for my Angel Tree kid. I also worry about prices and deals and sales when I shop for other people! Cause then, I also worry that they will like what I bought them and if they will use it and so on. My thoughts just snowball -_-

    So yesterday I only bought my chapstick because I couldn't justify buying anything else with money I technically didn't have yet. Granted, I do have other reserves of money, but I'm trying to save that and only stick with a certain amount each pay check, ya know. I didn't feel good about not buyig anything else, but at least I didn't feel guilty for "wasting money" ya know. Then the funny thing was that on my way home, there is this little deli and coffee place I've been meaning to try and so I stopped there and spend twelve bucks XD But, I figured that since I actually wanted it, and have been for some time, it was ok. Brain... why?

     But, this train of thought doesn't just apply to money, it also applies to life choices. Although, really I mostly freak out about money. But in my previous post I mentioned the job thing and that's still been on my mind. Its like I'm trying to decide between two careers and two directions to go in... and its like uuuggghhhh. Should I be more practical or should I be more fun, but also not as... guaranteed. I'm still going back and forth. *sigh* Pray for me please! XP

     I did wake up feeling better though, not as freaked out and all last night I was watching Christian YTbers and Christian comedians and stuff. I like Michael Jr right now :) And so basically I'm just trying to remember that God's got me. He's a good father and there isn't just one specific and exact step by step path for me to follow. I was really relieved when I was watching a Jefferson Bethke video on this, where he talked about how to know God's will and stuff, and it really clicked with me that God is a good father, and he wants what's best for us, but there isn't just one thing that is best. Or rather, maybe there is, but there is a whole lot of things that are good too. And God isnt going to set us up to fail. We've got options, there are many good options to choose from and as long as we stick with the good options we good! Now there are a lot of bad options too, but honestly, I think we know in hearts and souls what those bad options are. So don't do them! But as far as all the good options, as long we keep choosing those, it'll turn out well :)

    SO! This is a long post that I'm gonna wrap up, but starting today, well, really last night when I realized it, I'm going to start to really, intentionally, give my worries to God and ask for His perfect peace to just always be washing over me. I don't want to worry about the little things, because God will provide. I don't want to make little mistake either though, its a fine line. I also want to try more. Like, I want to knock on more doors and see which ones God opens for me. Only good doors though! I pray that God protects me from good looking doors that actual hide ugly homes and such. But, I know that I've not done a lot in my life, and I really want to give back more. I want to show Christ's love to more people and help them to be lights to others that they meet. I've also wondered if I should start making videos or doing a podcast... but I'm kinds scared x"D I'd love to try, but then I go back to the "who would listen" part of my worrying. But anyway... Yeah, I dunno how to end this... I think I got tuckered out with how long this is XD So I'mma just say Toodles and God Bless! ^_^