My Worst Flaw... I think XP

      First of all, I am LOVING tangerines right now. I don't really eat tangerines and citrus during the summer, cause its a winter fruit... right? I try to eat things in season, more or less. Plus, in season is cheaper XD

     Second of all, I am loving watching the Lord of the Rings Appendices. I dunno how many people have watched all the special features of the extended editions, but this is my... 3rd time that i actually remember, but I know I've watched it more, maybe not all the way through, many more times. But, since last year I've had the idea to religiously watch LOTR and The Hobbit and all the extras every year, around Christmas :) Some people read certain books every year, I'm gonna delve into Middle Earth XD One of these days... I'm also going to read the books all the way through -_- Cause I've started, but I've not finished any of them. But, in my defense, I've really not read much lately... aka the past few years. Reading just hasn't been as appealing as movies lately. But, I will eventually!!! :D

     Ok, on to the actual post I wanted to talk about. Its about yesterday, and at first I wanted to write about it, in the hope of helping someone or whatever, but then at night, when I didn't have time, I didn't want to. And... Its because I wasn't sure if my one little post, out there on the gigantic internet was gonna make a difference. I look at my stats of my posts, and honestly, I don't get many views... not many at all and so it was like "whats the point? no one is gonna read this anyway" But I decided to because maybe, just maybe it might help one person sometime in the future. Plus, its nice for me to get things out. I know that the whole "whats the point" part, stems from as a kid, when I'd try to contribute to a conversation or something and no one would listen. I was that kid that tried to talk and stuff, but it seemed like no one would listen. So I got really good at just being quiet. Just not talking much unless I was having a one on one conversation, or just a conversation where I knew that what I was saying would be heard... which wasn't always. So, as a kid, I very quiet. I also became that kid, and now adult, that recognizes when others aren't being paid attention to. If someone gets cut off I try to give them time to say what they wanted to say, or if they aren't saying much at all, I try to get them to speak up, cause honestly now, I'm a bit of a talker XD But I still try to only speak when there is a reason. I can still be very quiet.

    ANYWAY! On the what I really wanted to talk about XD And that is, my worst flaw. And that is, worrying about making the right choices. Worrying to the point where I can't make a decision, even when the decision is litterally as simple as what cereal to buy -_- Although I haven't had cereal in a while, but let me show you how my brain works. Since I was raised in a relatively frugal family (not like stingy, but man do we love a good sale XD) I've become almost paranoid about my spending habits, and the spending that I make my family do on my behalf. I don't earn loads of money yet, I just have a part time job that isn't consistent throughout the year, so I worry a lot about spending my money wisely. What I do, when I want to buy something, is I weigh its value per its price. If its food, I look for the cheapest unit per oz price combined with best quality ingredients. Usually, I only buy food if its on sale too. Unless its a staple item that rarely goes on sale anyway, I only buy things on sale. And its because I'm worried that if I spend too much then I won't have enough for something more important or for charity or for an emergency. I've literally stood and paced in the grocery store for an hour and a half before actually deciding to buy anything because I'm worried I'm not getting the best deal or whatever. I literally become paralyzed and it take me a long time to reason with myself that a dollar here and a dollar there aint a big deal. But of course, in my head it is.

   Now, I actually have been pretty good, about worrying to the point of paralysis this year. I actually had forgotten I used to be like that until yesterday. Yesterday I went to the grocery, Whole Foods, to buy my chapstick and of course I looked around the rest of the store too. But, I didn't have any cash with me and I hadn't gotten my latest pay check yet, so I didn't know how much spending money I officially had to work with. That, combined with the fact that earlier I had bought a drink I didn't need, and that I was worried about beating traffic to get home, just got me back into my worry fit again. Actually, some of it also started Saturday when I started shopping for my Angel Tree kid. I also worry about prices and deals and sales when I shop for other people! Cause then, I also worry that they will like what I bought them and if they will use it and so on. My thoughts just snowball -_-

    So yesterday I only bought my chapstick because I couldn't justify buying anything else with money I technically didn't have yet. Granted, I do have other reserves of money, but I'm trying to save that and only stick with a certain amount each pay check, ya know. I didn't feel good about not buyig anything else, but at least I didn't feel guilty for "wasting money" ya know. Then the funny thing was that on my way home, there is this little deli and coffee place I've been meaning to try and so I stopped there and spend twelve bucks XD But, I figured that since I actually wanted it, and have been for some time, it was ok. Brain... why?

     But, this train of thought doesn't just apply to money, it also applies to life choices. Although, really I mostly freak out about money. But in my previous post I mentioned the job thing and that's still been on my mind. Its like I'm trying to decide between two careers and two directions to go in... and its like uuuggghhhh. Should I be more practical or should I be more fun, but also not as... guaranteed. I'm still going back and forth. *sigh* Pray for me please! XP

     I did wake up feeling better though, not as freaked out and all last night I was watching Christian YTbers and Christian comedians and stuff. I like Michael Jr right now :) And so basically I'm just trying to remember that God's got me. He's a good father and there isn't just one specific and exact step by step path for me to follow. I was really relieved when I was watching a Jefferson Bethke video on this, where he talked about how to know God's will and stuff, and it really clicked with me that God is a good father, and he wants what's best for us, but there isn't just one thing that is best. Or rather, maybe there is, but there is a whole lot of things that are good too. And God isnt going to set us up to fail. We've got options, there are many good options to choose from and as long as we stick with the good options we good! Now there are a lot of bad options too, but honestly, I think we know in hearts and souls what those bad options are. So don't do them! But as far as all the good options, as long we keep choosing those, it'll turn out well :)

    SO! This is a long post that I'm gonna wrap up, but starting today, well, really last night when I realized it, I'm going to start to really, intentionally, give my worries to God and ask for His perfect peace to just always be washing over me. I don't want to worry about the little things, because God will provide. I don't want to make little mistake either though, its a fine line. I also want to try more. Like, I want to knock on more doors and see which ones God opens for me. Only good doors though! I pray that God protects me from good looking doors that actual hide ugly homes and such. But, I know that I've not done a lot in my life, and I really want to give back more. I want to show Christ's love to more people and help them to be lights to others that they meet. I've also wondered if I should start making videos or doing a podcast... but I'm kinds scared x"D I'd love to try, but then I go back to the "who would listen" part of my worrying. But anyway... Yeah, I dunno how to end this... I think I got tuckered out with how long this is XD So I'mma just say Toodles and God Bless! ^_^

What I've Been Doing

     I was gonna make a post about Thanksgiving and stuff... but whenever I think that I'm going to do a specific post... I sit down to write it and it doesn't work. So I wait for a post to come that just flows XD Also, I just realized there are little emoji things!👅 But I dunno if I'll use them a lot... They're hard to see, for me, and takes a long time to find the one I want. 😔
     Ok, so, like a week ago, I started watching Code Geass, my tie for Fav Anime. But as I was watching it and rereading about it on Wikipedia... I think I'm going to rethink my decision about it. Its a fun anime... but... its really not the best. I love the colors and the gangly characters, but.. the actual story and the morals, I suppose, aren't the best, from a Christian perspective anyway. So... I still like it... but honestly it takes me back and reminds me of a time in my life where... lets just say I relate more to Lelouch. And if you've watched the anime, you know that Lelouch is... really not the best guy. His end goal is a good idea, but his methods are, well, quite wrong. Pretty much everyone's methods are wrong. Euphie is good and so is Nunnally, but... And I haven't finished it, so I don't remember everything, but its just not the best thing. Its similar, also, to my fav manga, Deathnote. Both Lelouch and Light are similar characters, though Lelouch is better in the end. ANYWAY! Basically, this might be the last time I watch this anime... I dunno. I've found that when you're at different parts of your life you react to the same thing differently. So, I might like it better later.
     As of yesterday I've started watching the Appendices of The Lord of the Rings and I like it much better than Code Geass :) LOTR is just my fav thing and it brings me to a happy time in my life. Unlike Code Geass. Also, I've been thinking more in a New Zealand accent XD Its just fun. I'll probably talk more about LOTR later, though, but its just facinating to me how the movie got made and how Tolkien came up with it all and I really wish I could have been a part of it when it was made :)
     I've been so excited this year to buy Christmas gifts! I saved up money this year (its only the second year I've actually had a job though XD) and I was so excited to buy stuff for family that I forgot about charity and when my mom reminded me it was like a light bulb went off in my head! Like, my close family is pretty well off, they aren't sorely in need of any physical items, but there are people who are. So I've already bought a book set things from Costco for the Toys for Tots bin at my church and I picked up an Angel Tree thing from the mall. The kid said he wanted a watch, but I've already also gotten him some clothes ^_^ I figure that if he was humble enough to ask for only a watch, I'll give him more than what he asked for :) I just hope he likes what I've picked out x"D
      One thing I have not been doing since last Thursday is working XD My job isn't particularly regular so it comes and goes as far as busy-ness. I'm enjoying the time off, but its also weird. It also has me looking for another job that is more steady. I've applied to one place where one of my friends already works, and I'm plucking up the courage to apply for another one. But the two jobs are completely different and its sort of scary... the 2nd one because its not something I've done before and its also like actually full time. Which means I'd be doing a lot less of everything else. So... I'm reluctant to do that just because, I like the flexibility I have right now and if I do get the 2nd job and I do well, its the sort of job that you're "set for life" in, if you know what I mean. Which... is good, but its more like I don't know if I want to be in that line of work my whole life. SO yeah, I've been thinking about that and even though its not a super big deal... its still... feels like it. So I've been praying "Lord, Thy will be done, Thy will be done!" He knows whats best for me so I should have nothing to worry about. I guess the thing I'm sorta worried about is letting people down. I hate applying for multiple jobs at the same time because I think, what if I get offered all of them? One is better, but one is more fun and it seems like they both need me? Ugh. But then I just think that thats dumb. People come and go in jobs all the time and I can just quit if I don't really like it. I'm still young and I still have time, and God won't punish me horribly for "choosing the 'wrong' path". Well, I get that if I do something horribly wrong, yes, I'll be punished, but choosing one job over another for a short period of time isn't going to be that detrimental. I guess what also is nagging at me is the 2nd job is sort of time sensitive. I might have to act on it now or I'll never be asked again, because it is a job I sorta turned down twice already, but because I was already busy... Anyway... I don't really want it now... but it is a really good opportunity. Basically, I guess I feel torn between doing something fun and more personable and doing something that will earn me more money and benefits later down the line... sigh... When I put it that way, it sounds simple, I guess. Like I've already made up my mind, but my parents also really want me to do job 2 because its more stable and they've been nagging me... ugh. I guess what I'm saying is, pray for  me XD Its not a super bad situation, but its still annoying to be in, ya know.
     Ok, this seems like a long thing, so Imma wrap it up now :) Toodles! And God Bless! ^_^ Happy Holidays and Happy Thanksgiving and Merry Christmas! 🙌😁

What I'm Looking for in My Future Husband

     So, I'm ain't gonna lie, I got high standards. For myself, and for my future husband. And today, I wanted to talk a bit about boy stuff. I don't think I really have on this blog, mostly because when I would think of things, it'd be too specific, and I don't want to paint bad, limited pictures of people by just complaining on the internet-- not that many people read, this, but still. I don't want to "throw anyone under the bus" so to speak.
     I thought, instead, I would try to focus on the things I am looking for in a husband and a bit of what my past experience has been with boys. I wanna keep things positive :)
     1. I'm looking for someone who loves the Lord more than he loves me. Now, that's a pretty cliche thing to say for a lot of Christian girls, but the more people I meet, the more I realize that I want and need someone who is "on my level" of God-ness XD Not to say that I am perfect, but day in and day out I really try to do my best to live a life that God would approve of. Now, if you read this blog you know I curse a bit, and, yeah, that's not the best, but... I'm working on it. I'm trying, and I... lets just say I used to try less. But lately, I just really seen and felt God working in me and making me better and I've just felt and been a better person. If you knew me in middle school and high school... you'd know what I meant x"D So basically, for a guy, I want him to be always trying to be more God-like, just like I am. I want him to strive for being the best he can and to do the right thing, even if it means tell ing me "no" XD I know a lot of people say stuff like "happy wife, happy life" but I'm not that kind of person. I want someone who does the right thing, even if I'm wrong. Ya know? (Adding this in later, but it goes with it. I want a man who had the same morals as me. If we're both Christian, we should, but still. Same morals and code of conduct, based on God's Word.)
     As far as my personal experience has been with guys and this topic... lets just say that everyone has faltered in some way shape or form. However! I'm willing to "take on" someone who at least recognizes their faults and will try to change. I know people can change, because I have, so even if they aren't "perfect" now, as long as they are willing to try their best and to change, then I'd let my heart open for them. I get, though, that that is a bit dangerous, and that I should probably go for someone that is more "religious" or whatever, but... I've always been the type to like to help people, as long as they themselves were giving it their all. Also, its just really hard to find someone, not already taken, that is already "perfect".
     2. Doesn't do stupid stuff. Now, this is a very broad category, but I don't want my future husband to come with addictions like smoking (even weed) or alcoholism or even the addiction to being... not an adult. Ok, I want an adult, someone that, is logical, and knows when something is a bad decision and doesn't do it. And you'd be surprised (maybe, maybe not) how many people I've met that they get crossed out at this point. Most guys, I just think that they don't act like they should for their age and they just aren't ready for a real romantic and life lasting relationship. They are still children, despite their age. Smoking, I'm finding out, is a bigger one that I thought, too, I've recently found out that a lot of my coworkers smoke... and its just a big no. Just a giant no. Unless they actually quit. Cause, seriously, everyone knows now, that smoking kills you, even weed, that shit kills your brain. I've seen... older people that enjoyed doing a variety of drugs and alcohol in their youth and are... not exemplary citizens in their later years. And more that are, instead of arent. So smoking, is a big one for me, and my family. Now, hopefully, if you only smoke "occasionally" you can then learn to live without it at all, otherwise. Naaaaah bruh!
     3. He's gotta love my quirks. And boy do I have a lot of them! I can be really weird, and I even already made a blog post about weird things I do!But that doesn't mean I'm weird all the time. I know how to "turn it off" but usually when Im out in public and with friends, "weird me" is turned on, because that me is more fun. And its not that I'm being fake, either, I'm just being a bit more fun so that others have fun too and everyone is smiling and laughing, even if its at me and not with me. XD I really didn't start being "weird" until... like a few years ago. I used to be quiet and didn't care about speaking to new people and stuff, but now I just realize that its fun to make friends and therefore I need to be more outgoing, so I just decided to be and now I dance when no music plays, sing when no one cares and make face at people across the room XD Even if they don't want me to XD
     And as far as guys go... sometimes my weirdness is a turn off, and sometimes it just breaks the ice and we get to know each other better. But, once you get to know me more, I'm not as weird and I'm really just normal.
     4. He's gotta love me and his actions have to say it. However, don't assume feelings based on actions either. Sometimes they are just really nice, but never think of you romantically... and sometimes they are really nice to you... but you're not the only one they are "nice" to...  -_- But thats going into "throwing them under the buss" territory, so that's all I shall say. But anyway, I want someone that is just so happy to be with me, that doing nice things for me, just come naturally, they don't have to try. Because, when I like someone, that's what I do. My mind turns to "what can I do for them?" So I think its fair to want someone who treats me as well as I treat them XD Putting others before himself is a big one, and its a pretty big sign of how "Godly" he is too.  He should enjoy doing things and spending time with me, it shouldn't be a chore. Though, I do understand that guys needs to be reminded and we can't treat them as if they read minds. Communication is key.
     5. He's a pretty chill dude overall. One thing that annoys me about people in general, is when they legitimately freak out about things that really don't matter. I want someone that is so filled with the peace and love of God that they don't worry about the little things and they look on the bright side of dark situations. I want a man who knows that God is in control and is overall pretty chill. I don't want someone who gets angry really quick or screams or yells. I want someone that can communicate calmly and can see both sides of an argument. I also want someone that is willing to step up to me. Cause I am not a pushover. I wouldn't say that I'm stubborn, but I don't want someone with no spine who lets me do as I please. I want an equal and someone who is... you guessed it, just as chill as me XD
     6. Michellaneous. These are things that I'd like, but aren't like deal breakers XD
      - Lord, please give him the gift of cooking! I pretty much hate cooking and would love someone who can cook.
     - Someone who enjoys the same movies and tv shows I do. Movies are a pretty big part of my life, so it'd be really nice if we could talk about LOTR or Avengers or Star Wars on the same level XD
     - A handy man. I'm not the laziest person... but I'd love it it my man could be a classic dude that fixes things and doesn't need to hire someone else to do it, ya know?
     
     The more I think about what I want in a man... the more I realize how... not picky I am XD Basically, I want a good, Godly man, but... he doesn't have to be perfect when I meet him, just willing to do his best, and he needs to be a natural gentleman and treat me like he loves me, but doesn't idolize me. Ya know. I think, after that, the rest come naturally. There are little things that would be nice, but over the years I've come to realize that even height, weight, and skin color don't matter to me. I've liked white dudes, I've liked black dudes, I've liked asian dudes (I mean, kpop, come one XD), and I've liked brown (everything from Indian to Latino to South American XD) dudes. Basically, I've liked someone from every "color of skin" out there.  Sometimes I didn't want to admit it, I wanted to have "a type" but I've realized that looks just don't matter. If you get to know them and love them, you'll find things you like that you thought you never would, and it'll be ok. Also, the people I've loved the most... are people I never saw coming. Now, I've still never actually been in a relationship... I've been close... but not quite and I used to not be ok with that. And still... I sorta feel like falling in love and marriage is soooo important to me, but I'm realizing that its Ok to be single. Its a special time God gave to us, and we have to use it wisely. It's hard for me, but I'm working on it and in the mean time, really trying to be the type of girl to attract a man that I want and God would be proud of. So... Pray for me! I'll pray for you too! No matter what stage you are in.
     God Loves You. He always has, and always will! ^_^

I'm doing it: Post Election Thoughts

     Well, I've been meaning to write something on here, and I've had ideas, but either I didn't have time (its' been hectic for work lately) or I didn't even turn on my computer, or when I did, I just chose not to. And... well... that's only me to blame. Sowwee!!
     First of all, the election. Now, I know this is a touchy subject, but Imma just say it how I think it. One, not gonna lie, I voted for Trump. I researched all the candidates, and I honestly thought he was the best bet. Plus, I really like Mike Pence. I hope he does well in all of this and possibly runs for President next time around :) Now, all this protesting, and rioting, is just dumb. Well, I don't care if people are protesting, they have a right to, but when it gets violent, then you're taking it too far. I don't like how both sides are using the outcome of the election to be complete and utter asses and to do whatever they want. Just because you didn't get your way, or for those that are using Trump's win as a way to harass others, doesn't mean you get to go back to being 5 and have a stupid tantrum. You are adults! Get a hold of yourself and if you want things to change, start locally and then go from there. Don't be angry and selfish and mess shit up for other people. Also, I honestly think that if Hilary had won, the "Trump" supporters wouldn't be this nasty. I'm calling ya'll out as a bunch of hypocrites if you are toting the "Love Trumps Hate" signs and yet hating on whoever doesn't agree with you. ... What else? Just to be clear, I do not agree with racist and stupid people that are using Trump's win to harass people they don't agree with either. Basically, everyone doing stupid shit is stupid and one day, whether you like it or not, you will reap the consequences of your actions. So repent now! Jk, but seriously. People just need to calm the fuck down and start acting like the grown up they are supposed to be. I'm saying extra prayers tonight.
          Also, it bothers me, and has for a while, how the media and the late night comedians and a lot of people on YT and a lot of people in general (though, I admit, I have yet to come across one in real life, thankfully) basically are making people who voted for Trump feel like shit. Like, I feel like all the media people hate Trump and are trying to make the people hate Trump and are trying to make those that supported him, in any way, shape or form, feel like shit and like they are worthless and dumb. Like, its was and still is unfashionable to be even ok with the fact that Trump won. And, I don't like it. So far, the people that I've talked to have only said they are "really worried" about Trump. But if I go online at all, or turn on the tv, it's waaaay more than worry. And I sorta get it-- well I do, He's kinda a jerk and he hasn't held any office before, but most people are just basing their opinions off a few things. Those few things being that they think he is racist and sexist. Which, I don't believe he is. Sure, he's said... things that are not nice, and that he should have thought about a bit more before saying them, but we all do! I hear much worse conversation from coworkers, male and female, than I ever did from Trump. I also hear much worse when I step into other people's cars and they are playing rap music. Have you heard that stuff? Its all about sex and money, basically, and I've been way more off put by rap and song lyrics than I have by what Trump has said.
     I feel like I'm starting to ramble, and stuff, so... Imma tie this up by saying that honestly, I don't think Trump will be that bad. Who knows, he might even be awesome!! I'll be praying for him and all his staff and everyone that agrees and disagrees, cause come on guys, we need to work together to make America work, and ya'll are just being a bunch of stupid kids throwing tantrums and its super annoying. So stop, just stop. Please. For those of you that have been and are calm and don't care about all this, good for you. Thank you for not being complete asses and just getting on with your lives. Some people need to do more of that. Plus they need Jesus. Errybody needs Jesus! 

Songs That Just "Get to You"

So I really like the band For King and Country and when I was in the Philippines I was able to download certain videos from YouTube and play them offline (a feature thats only available with YTRed in America, but it was was working without that in the Philippines) and though I got a lot of Kpop I also got a lot of For King and Country. And I've listened to both of their studio albums and some extra songs they've done too and they are great! Just today I was listening to Crave again, and the song "Missing" just "gets to me" if you know what I mean. I heard it first in the Philippines and I was going through... a time and dealing with emotions and stuff and it just really got to me and now, even though I'm mostly over it I'm still reminded and it still gets to me.

     As much as I love dance songs that have cool beats and make you feel "turnt" I guess, the ones that I tend to love even more as time goes on are the more ballad-y songs with great melodies and great vocals and lyrics that I can relate to or at least remind me of a time when I did relate to them. And "Missing" is and I can tell, will be, one of those songs.

     Other songs that I have such a great love of are, a lot of musical songs actually XD I love musicals like Cats, and I therefore love "Memory". I love Joseph and his Technicolor Dreamcoat and I really love "Close Every Door" and "Any Dream Will Do". I love Les Mis and... actually, almost all the songs in there, but especially "Bring Him Home"and "On My Own". I love ALL of Phantom of the Opera, and I guess I first got "the feels" for this type of song by watching Phantom. Like come on! How can you not feel sad for the Phantom, even though he's not been a very nice person in his life... The songs man, they get to you! I love to sing a long to all of them! XD I get really passionate about all the Phantom's lines and "All I Ask of You" XD especially the Reprise where the Phantom says "You will curse the day you did not do, all that the Phantom asked of YYYOOOOUUUUUU" XD That's my fav line in the whole thing!!! I also really like "Wishing you were somehow here again". Man, the whole thing, I love the whole thing! Also, fun fact, Phantom of the Opera is the first movie I can remember crying over. I was watching it with my grandma... it was not the first time I had watched it, but something in me really felt sorry for the Phantom (when before I had routed for Raoul) and I was just sooooo sad when Christine chose Raoul (though I totally get it, trust me I do, but in the moment, as a kid, it was like WWWHHHYYYY) and he breaks all the mirrors and stuff and dissapears. Yeah, I wanted on cry, but I wasn't about to do that in front of others! XD Anyway, I def noticed that after that I realized I got really attached to certain types of songs like that. It was a big moment for me, emotionally, I guess XD Looking back.

     I also got really attached to anime songs especially the ones from my two favs: Code Geass and Last Exile. Those are my two favorite animes and I love the songs that are used in their openings and closings. Those are probably my fav because my two favorite characters both die in them... Actually I've never seen it that way, but that might be a reason why they're really stuck with me. In Code Geass my fav is Lelouch and in Last Exile my fav is Alex Row. Sorry if that's a spoiler XD But they are both super old animes now and I think its fair game. XP

     Lord of the Rings! I really sentimental about all the Lord of the Rings and The Hobbit credit songs and the soundtracks as a whole. I can literally cry just listening to "Into the West" or "The Last Goodbye". I love all those songs, even the creepy Gollum song for Two Towers, I just love them all and nothing can quite lift my spirits like hearing the hobbit theme songs when they are in the Shire. I love how happy their theme is and its just so beautiful! I also love the triumphant songs like when they win the wars or they light the beacons or Legolas, Aragorn and Gimli are tracking the Urukhai. Man, those songs!!!! I love them sooooo much! <3

     This post is getting long XD I love talking about music and thinking and listening to my favorite stuff :) So for now Imma just say Toodles and I'll talk to ya later! :D